Jenn's apparently still on LiveJournal.

The biggest update this year is that Josh, my amazing ex-bf who I broke up with amicably and wanted to get back in touch with at some point, committed suicide over the summer.

He was actually having a terrible time of it; I heard he had a bad breakup with an abusive gf, which was why I wanted to check in with him. But I didn't realize just how bad it was until it was too late. I was going through my own mess with the furlough and moving and figuring out situationship stuff with my housemate. I felt like I wasn't in a position to offer help if he needed it, and maybe he wouldn't want to hear from me anyway... I'd also heard that he was mentally unwell in a way I interpreted as potentially combative, which scared me. Frankly I misinterpreted that completely. I should have trusted my own gut and what I knew of him, since I lived with him for six years.

So, excuses excuses. I was anxious. Now I believe you don't need to have all your shit together to reach out to a friend who's going through shit too. 

The gf had kicked him out of the house in winter, and she'd been combative with him to the point of him calling the cops to make sure she didn't hurt herself (he publicly posted the beginning of the police report). Everyone suspects she'd been cheating on him; she was quick to get with someone else and move to another state after they broke up. Apparently he was still in contact with her; his aunt texted me and said she had his phone texts, and she had told him recently that she hoped he died. 

In fairness when he went missing she contacted me (and a bunch of other people) about it, and she seemed worried and upset. But the story of bullying people into suicide in today's social media climate is so cliche now, I find it hard to sympathize with folks for regretting their words after-the-fact. You knew this was a risk of your words, darling. Everyone knows that, or should, now more than ever. And there's precedent for taking those bullies to court.

Not my call obviously, and I wouldn't want it to be my call. The aunt isn't going to pursue that which is fine. I'm sure the gf has plenty of her own issues, and also her decisions have nothing to do with my decisions and the reaching-out-checking-in that I didn't do.

I know it's silly to imagine that might have made a difference, especially since we haven't spoken in years and for all I knew he might have hated me. But I would have liked him to know how much he meant to me, and that even though I felt we weren't right for each other, he was a wonderful human being. I wished only the best for him. Now I can't say that to him, and that pisses me off, dammit.

On the more introspective side, it felt like losing a part of my life that no one else in my life relates to or cares about. Just me, and my memories, of the kind of people we were and a side of me that felt accepted rather than judged. We drank, we smoked, we explored abandoned buildings and caves, we saw punk bands and danced in mosh pits. We won Zombie Prom King and Queen together, we made ridiculously stupid psychedelic little music videos together, we watched horror movies and cartoons. We were dumb and it was okay.

On further introspection, it means the only person to ever tell me they loved me (romantically) is now dead and that may be the last time I ever hear those words in that sort of context.

Which is on me - that is a thing I could work on. This year I'll just mull it over but also every year is another year I might be wasting "mulling things over"... anyway. A good man is dead and I'd like to keep his memories alive in me by putting to action the lessons I learned from him.

IN OTHER NEWS...

Work:

• I continue to be half furloughed, but we've picked up some new clients so there's hope.
• Never did get unemployment, I basically gave up on that after multiple tries and months of waiting.
• I've gotten more side gig work recently from Data Annotation; vocal work, which has been interesting. It pays well when tasks are available but that's intermittent. Glad to have it for now! And even when it dries up, I can add vocal work to my resume, maybe consider more voice acting opportunities.

New home:

• Been having a wonderful time with my housemate and neighbors, I'll need to do a whole separate entry on all the cool shit we've done over the summer and fall despite not having much income.
• It's also been lovely seeing my old friends on a more regular basis now that I'm back in town.
• The cats are happier than they've ever been, one of them has fully adopted my housemate :3

It's getting late, more to come.